August, 2021
- paper panties, in black, pack of 5. Disposable, with ‘discreet leak and odour control.’
- a silver spoon, engraved with a single word: jam, from a stately home shop. £12
- lavender marmalade, made in Norfolk
- electrical repairs; a new shower switch etc. £78
- a pair of fluffy socks with a bee motif, ‘recycled from plastic bottles’
- Lady in Waiting. A racy, very readable memoir of royal connections…
July, 2021
- 2 hours of therapy -Jungian style – in Southwark, London, £160
- an Age Extension travel insurance premium, £65
- a catalogue from an artist friend’s local exhibition
- 3 miniature bottles of Laphroaig whisky, souvenirs from Scotland
- a deposit on account at the solicitor’s: £1,300
- 50 baby buds – cottonwool, certified a 100% organic
June, 2021
- a ticket to Wigan, North-West England, open return
- a new microwave, black with a silver door handle, still in the box
- dinner out, including a Mojito mocktail: mint, lime, sugar and soda
- a luxe linen shirt, three-quarter sleeves, in primrose yellow,£54
- 50 metres of dental floss, fresh mint flavour
May, 2021
- entrance fees to an Open Garden charity event
- a blood pressure monitoring machine, half-price in Boots
- reading and long-distance glasses, with bronze and tortoiseshell frames
- 100 self-adhesive reinforcement rings for hole-punched paper
- 2 small foldaway patio tables, black with glass tops
- a copy of Big Issue, with Bob Dylan on the cover
April, 2021
- e-tickets to London and Penkridge, Staffs
- 2 yards of scallop-edged lace trim, in ‘natural’ – to lengthen a dress
- small folding-step stools, with ‘slip-resistant surface’, in black and blue
- a long-awaited haircut, with highlights in dark blonde and violet, £45.95 + tip
- a jar of Tiptree truffle mayonnaise,’by appointment to Her Majesty the Queen’.
March, 2021
- a coffret of talcum powders from Yardley (est: 1770) in rose, lavender and lily of the valley
- deposits on 2 door-to-door coach trips – to Scotland and Norfolk
- 12 mini-mixer cans of diet coke, not the regular size – by mistake
- a slender smartphone, with a ‘clean interface’ and ‘soft-touch’ matte back, made in Vietnam – and a case to fit it. £350
- American Dirt – a new novel about migration from Mexico, sure to be a modern classic.
February, 2021
- Lemsip Max, for ‘body aches’, etc., with braille on the box
- hand-crafted in crochet – a beaded doily, to cover a milk jug
- the regular subscription to Which, the consumer magazine
- Dr Wolff’s ‘energising’ caffeine shampoo. Est.1905
- a Valentine’s gift to self: L’Aimant scent and deodorant spray
- 10 ‘plant-based bacon rashers’, inedible. 9 thrown away.
- January, 2021
- 2 stainless steel kettle descalers
- a hoodie top, in pastel primrose velour
- Hyacinth Bucket’s Book of Etiquette for the ‘less socially fortunate’
- 50 sheets of posh printer paper, in cream
- a Bulk Buy: 48 quilted toilet rolls, ‘shea-butter scented’
December 2020
- 125 extra-long, white-tipped ‘mega-matches’ in a box, a frosted fern pattern on the lid
- a Pedigree Christmas stocking, with ‘chewy treats’ – for Pablo, the puppy
- a 4-wheeled, super-lite cabin case – half-price – from Debenhams
- a solicitor’s bill – for ‘reviewing your paperwork, drafting a letter’: £467
- triple-distilled Irish whiskey, in a bottle of Bailey’s cream liqueur
November, 2020
- a Posture Corrector, an anti-slouch affair, with adjustable straps and a ‘perfect fit guarantee’. To wear like a backpack, in black.
- an ad on Twitter, in the form of a Tweet, to promote a post.
- an empty hanging basket, found in a skip….
- 40 Season’s Greetings cards – 16th century Dutch winter scenes
- a shiny new thermostat for a bedroom radiator, with ‘large-print’ numbers.
October, 2020
- 6 months’ supply of Vitamin D; 180 capsules
- Killing for Company, about Dennis Nilsen – a true crime classic
- a new TV licence, through gritted teeth
- tree and hedge pruning services: £500
- a gift for the garden: a wind chime, made from recycled metal cutlery
September,2020
- a vintage crystal glass tankard, from an antiques centre
- online tickets – to Euston and Tate Britain, to see Aubrey Beardsley
- 2 silk-bamboo long-sleeved tee-shirts, in black and cream, for layering
- a small wooden crate. Purpose: To Be Decided
- a mushroom. Also wood, for hand-darning holes in socks and the like
August, 2020
- a traditional scrubbing brush, with a curved edge, from the market
- 4 anklets, in silver, pearl and wood
- an upgraded but cheaper ‘bundle’ from Virgin Media
- a membership fee of Medium, a huge online writing community
- 8 black, long-handled spoons, for ice-cream and the like
- e-tickets, for the train – and entry to Salisbury cathedral
July, 2020
- Lumiere, a 1980s eau de toilette, with white floral notes
- 2 Chinese parasol-umbrellas, paper and bamboo. For patio guests.
- gold plimsolls, with ‘shock-absorbing soles’
- a set of Mulberry silk pillowcases, shipped from Wisconsin
- 100 rubber bands, in different colours and sizes, made in Germany
June, 2020
- nail polish, a topcoat called Crystal Sparkle
- a sleeveless ‘soft fern’ maxi dress, in a hemp-cotton mix
- a large black wheeled outdoor storage box, from Amazon
- greeting cards, featuring re-imagined portraits with masks, from the Fitzwilliam, Cambridge
- a fossil on a pendant – an ammonite from Madagascar
- an oval tin of Spanish squid in olive oil, inedible
May, 2020
- ‘optical cover’ sunglasses, to fit over prescription ones
- 8 champagne flutes, for when the outbreak ends
- a set of black swallows: small sticker tatoos
- several face masks, all with elasticated ear loops –
- some disposable, semi-medical grade, others re-usable, in layered linen, one a botanical print…
- ice-cream: 6 mini-tubs from the ‘caramel collection’
April, 2020
- a subscription to an animated e-card company
- 2 wire storage baskets, to hook over kitchen cupboard doors
- a donation to Captain Tom’s NHS charities
- 100 Quick Cryptic Crosswords, in a Times paperback
- more lockdown treats, like giant crumpets
March, 2020
- a tea-towel with a geological time-scale design, from Archean to Jurassic
- regular edge-trimming and lawn-mowing
- post-lock-down: a home delivery of supplies, ordered online
- including extra milk for the freezer
- and therapeutic items, like wine and candles
- a biography of Samuel Pepys, the 17th century diarist, for a plague perspective…
February 2020
- ‘a legend in a glass’ – a bottle of mead, made in Lindisfarne.
- an hour’s consultation with a solicitor; £300
- cedar sachets, from a moth repellent range
- dermal filler treatment, for a facial hollow
- a cauliflower, grown in Cornwall
January 2020
- a tree – an ornamental birch called ‘Moonbeam’
- an olive oil ear spray
- labels for the new wheelie bin, ‘water and weatherproof’
- newspapers – souvenir issues for Brexit Day
- French fizz – pink champagne….
December, 2019
- a leopard skin rug, made in Africa. Wool and cotton.
- a ceiling light switch cord, for the bathroom
- carrots in velvet: tree decorations from Aldi
- giant crumpets, a pack of 2
- a new LG television, a Boxing Day bargain. 49 inch screen.
November, 2019
- 4 white porcelain, square-shaped egg cups, made in China
- a mini suede skirt, in black, from M&S
- a wireless Mouse for the desk-top.
- Black Friday – a teddy coat, in olive, 40% off…
- a wooden step-stool from IKEA, self-assembly – not by me
- new fence panels, with concrete posts
- home insurance
October, 2019
- Eggs Royale, a breakfast treat in a cafe, with smoked salmon and muffins
- A multi-purpose canvas pouch, with a motivational message:Today is the Day!
- a room reservation in a seafront hotel in Brighton
- another cashmere shawl-style scarf in ‘Parma’ – exchanged for ‘Fireglow’
- a Senior Railcard, renewed online for 3 years
September, 2019
- a ‘memory, posture-perfect’ pillow – from Debenhams
- a pair of anti-bunion orthotic soles, from California
- an investment: another mixed-media scene of Derbyshire by an artist friend
- tour tickets, including one for the Norman crypt of Winchester cathedral
- a 20 metre washing line from Wilko’s, with a steel core
- a large lemon from South Africa, called EUREKA!
August, 2019
- a new smoke alarm
- a cream leather purse, with laser cut-out pattern
- slices of ‘white sugar loaf’ pineapple, from Ghana
- a private prescription for steroid ointment
- train tickets east, south and north.
July, 2019
- souvenirs. From Portugal, 2 mini bottles of port
- from Leeds, a Yorkshire dialect melamine coaster (Eh Up!)
- Florale – a multi-purpose ‘iconic oil’, for face, body, hair
- asparagus tips, from Peru
- a big bag of coarse oat bran, for a ‘fibre boost’.
June, 2019
- new eyebrows. A tatoo treatment, to replace the ones over-plucked…
- a ‘pillow mist’, to ‘create calm’, before bed
- an outdoor cushion, sponge-clean only. Black/white zigzags.
- an Indian meal, a ‘banquet offer’ with 11 dishes
- £300 worth of Euros
May, 2019
- a slimline, recycling bin. Black, with grey lid.
- a set of 3 knives: paring, utility and santoku. Dishwasher safe.
- 40 litres of (enriched) compost
- 3 for 2 – briefs, guipure lace trim
- a lilac bush – with blooms to match.
April, 2019
- A bevelled beauty sponge, in lilac. For blending make-up and ‘complete coverage’
- 3 ‘bistro’ chairs in black plastic, ‘rattan effect’, ‘stackable for easy storage’
- a narrow neck brush, with a flexible head and long-length handle – to reach the bottom of bottles
- a liquid iron and vitamin preparation – an anti-fatigue formula
- an age-extension fee on my travel insurance: £60.
March, 2019
- a woven bookmark, with gold thread, depicting a knight in prayer
- artisan butter in a block – hand-milled, with salt crystals and flecks of seaweed
- a Home Buyer’s Report, for a family member
- five Tudor detective novels, the hero called John Shakespeare
- a ‘sniffer’ – a nasal inhaler stick, for flu symptom relief
February, 2019
- a retro, ‘mullety’ haircut with a micro-fringe, tipped with violet
- a thermal ‘base layer’ polo neck in black, ‘made with Japanese technology’
- superglue: a trio of small tubes of ‘instant, universal’ adhesive
- a handrail in white oak, over 11 foot long, for my stairway – free delivery
- a bunch of ‘rainbow’ tulips
January 2019
- shoe accessories:’grippers’ for ice and snow
- an annual membership fee for a club in London
- a deposit for a cruise on the river Douro
- a long cord pinafore dress in ‘onyx’ with very deep pockets
- brown suede boots, half-price in the sale
- a library fine, for two overdue books
December, 2018
- a curtain for the back door, with an insulated lining
- the Romance of Food – Barbara Cartland’s kitsch recipe book
- the last pot of goose fat, for my roasties. The future is meat-free.
- a set of 5 W.W.2 medals, in bronze and nickel, including 3 Stars
- a large bottle of pink champagne, for Auld Lang Syne in London
November, 2018
- elderflower-infused gin, a friend’s favourite tipple
Slogan on the side of the bottle: ‘united in spirit’ - a 4-slice toaster, in black and chrome
- leopard-print pop socks
- Duchy tomatoes, organic – in Prince Charles’ honour
- a coach trip to Cambridge
- a 6-month subscription to a senior singles site
October, 2018
- a small salt-mill, with pink, Himalayan crystals
- a grey laundry bag, Irish, with rope detail, to match the walls
- 3 shiny black baskets, Vietnamese, multi-purpose(all to be decided)
- horse shampoo, re-branded to groom the human mane
- bread: a divine cashew and cranberry bloomer, from Tesco
- off-peak rail tickets, to Coventry, London and Portsmouth
September, 2018
- a tube of growth serum, for the elderly eye-lash
- stationery: a multi-pack of ink cartridges, photo paper, in ‘glossy’
- a hoodie, in ‘coffee’, all the way from Chenshen, China
- wine, in a new slim-sized bottle(500 ml) ‘for 2 large glasses’
- repairs: new zip for an old gilet, stronger stitching for a bag strap
- a friend’s painting, at a discount, in ink and acrylic, called Field Shadow.
August, 2018
- in a tiny aluminium case: a travel lipbrush, made in Japan
- a One Egg pan, square, non-stick
- courgettes from Gloucestershire. Variety: Cronos
- a round tin of British wildflower seedballs
- a copy of Elle, the Colour Issue
- the biography of a Victorian chemist’s discovery of ‘Mauve’.
July 2018
- a deep-clean at the dentist
- a bespoke teeth whitening tray
- a pack of 3 N.V.P.L. knickers, click and collect,in black, coffee and almond.
- a 10 knob over-the-door hat-rack
- plant food, general purpose, ‘fish, blood and bone’.
- a pollen-free dwarf sunflower
June 2018
- open-toe tights, with ‘cooling fibres’
- a dual valve for the upstairs loo, with ‘reduced flushes’ for ‘water conservation’.
- plastic cutlery – unethical, but convenient
- a series of clothes alterations by a local seamstress
- membership of the National Gallery
- pickled eggs in a jar
- a fridge magnet from Norway: a pair of trolls, embracing
May 2018
- a roll-on bottle of hemp oil vegan deodorant
- a second hand thriller about the hunt for a Balkan war criminal
- a woven cross-body bag with such a mix of zigzag stripes and tribal motifs that it will clash and therefore go with everything…..
- 7 taxi rides to and from stations or supermarkets
- Norwegian currency: £100 pound’s worth of kroner
April 2018
- a foil-embossed, hand-made card, showing birds in love
- the services of a wedding photographer
- a bag of confetti (12 handfuls) – biodegradable violet delphinium petals
- citronella: insect-repellent oil and candles
- 3 postcards – scenes of the Seychelles – turtles and parrots on the stamps
- Chanel no.5, duty-free at the island airport
March 2018
- 2 long linen dresses, one navy, one grey
- a box of LED downlights, in ‘warm white’
- a thick cork notice board with a black frame
- wrapping paper in Beatrix Potter patterns
- a ‘self-parking sink stopper, called Frisby
- decorative bowl covers, set of 6
- large ‘optical cover’ sunglasses in tortoiseshell
- a fair-trade Easter egg – cocoa beans from Ghana
- a bunch of British daffodils
February 2018
- A swing-arm ‘Hobby’ desk lamp, in black
- 4 Tai C’hi classes, £5 an hour
- a ‘luxury bath mat’, for the study, in lilac
- an economy sized roll of kitchen paper – orange
- a 10-pack of flocked clothes hangers – turquoise
- a triple-layered angel sponge cake – yellow and pink
- rose wine, ‘from the sunshine of Provence’
- a final TV licence
January 2018
- a tube of ‘plughole unblocker’
- a blend of cider vinegar and honey – raw, organic and kosher
- pine shelving, by a local carpenter
- 2 pairs of spectacles, b.o.g.o.f.
- 200 self-adhesive labels
- comfort food, including a Cornish pasty
- a course of ‘fat freeze’ body treatments, for the dimpled self
December 2017
- 24 stamps with scenes of snowmen and Santas
- a re-grouting/sealant service, for the bathroom
- 1 gold box of mulled-spice scented tissues
- 6 tester pots of paint, in shades of duck, dove and primrose
- 15% of a cruise on the Norwegian Fjords – the deposit
- Volume 32 of the Journal of Stained Glass, for research
- a large wall calendar, minimalist, with no pictures
November 2017
- a green-gold lipstick, called Instinct
- a watch with Roman numerals, but no minute markings
- 3 drop-in descaler bags
- 20 sachets of Elderberry and Echinacea tea
- fence spikes, brown, pack of 30
- home insurance, buildings and contents
- a MOD search – for a war record of service and campaign medals
October 2017
- a stock of Vitamin C tablets
- 2 little squeezy bottles of dry-eye drops, on prescription
- 3 tins of tomato soup, for fast days
- compensation items, post computer crisis:
- an eau de parfum called ‘Bloom’
- a festive pair of Jacquard texture trousers
- a gift set of 4 Beatrix Potter 50ps, in ‘brilliant, uncirculated quality’
- an external storage drive, 1 terrabyte
September 2017
- a small gift horse, cast in bronze, made in Greece
- half a low-calorie pizza called Leggera
- 2 Smart Meters and a Display Unit, free from E-on
- a multi-pack of printer cartridges, including magenta and cyan
- British blackberries in a plastic tray. Variety: Loch Ness
- a ticket for a seat in the stalls of a London theatre. Only £95!
August 2017
- an archangel: a ‘stained glass’ transfer, to ‘stick on a clean window’
- a pack of ‘bird-scare’ mirror discs, to dazzle the pigeons away
- a block of recycled printer paper
- 2 handpicked gem lettuce, picked by an Alan in Norfolk
- 15 floor wipes, in ‘apple’
- 24 re-usable ice cubes
- an aspidistra, by post
July 2017
- an aerosol spray – an instant protector for footwear, water/stain repellent
- a 3-tier stainless steel steamer
- 4 sheets of tissue paper, in a ‘party animals’ pattern
- a pochette of ‘red rose’ incense sticks
- a rosary ring from Rheims
- a bottle of surgical spirit, to harden the feet
- What would Jane Do? a book of Austen quotations
June 2017
- a brooch in the form of a bee, knitted in Peru
- 2 pairs toe-less sandal tights in ‘powder’ (beige)
- 5 corn removal pads – in chiropody felt, self-adhesive
- a sonic travel toothbrush
- a fresh supply of euros
- a cone of Kentish icecream
May 2017
- 3 storage jars, for tilted or upright use, with green lids
- 6 plugs of French marigolds
- 30 first-class stamps, with a bird design
- 100 beta-carotene capsules
- a grey upholstered swivel office chair, with castors
- a vintage bangle with a lizard clasp
- a slice of bread pudding
April 2017
- a 6-pack of rose and sage-scented tissues
- a non scratch scourer, made in Spain
- an apron, green gingham with a big pocket
- a plastic tube of HB pencil leads, 0.5mm
- a crystal nail file
- 3 crustless quiches, cheese and tomato
- new soles for my boots for all seasons
March 2017
- a studded photo frame, in black wood and brass
- summer breaks in Somerset and Derbyshire
- 3 bunches of daffodils
- 1 bus pass, renewed for free
- a large fringed cushion, with leopards on the front
- a loose lime
February 2017
- a bottle of essential oil, lavender
- a jar of bacon jam, from the market
- a book about medieval masons
- 3 thermostatic valves
- 2 beds for the night, one in York, the other in London
January 2017
- a slimline diary, turquoise cover
- a stock of ground coffee. Flavour, Paradise Island
- a set of alcoholic lip balms, including Prosecco.
- a ticket for a tour of Worcester Cathedral
- a packet of swan food
- a sweater in a sale, in Melba Peach
- a copy of HELLO
December 2016
- a supply of glucosamine and rose-hip tablets
- a pair of hi-gloss, ‘laminate look’ tights
- an extension lead, 4 metres
- a pack of festive paper plates, with silver stars
- a sack of roasting potatoes, native to the Andes
- an extra hot-water bottle with furry cover, in ‘latte’
- a carrier bag, 5p
October to November 2016
- A pair of plastic ‘leaf-grabbers’
- A lilac jumper made from yak yarn
- A get well card, with glitter
- A ball of yellow rubber bands
- A TV licence
- A dozen Happy Eggs
- A ticket for a tour of Peterborough Cathedral
August to September 2016
- A universal travel adaptor plug
- A cling-resistant slip, made in Cambodia
- A square silicone colander – in green
- A jar of face-cream, containing caviar
- A hedgehog: decorative garden ornament, made of rattan
- A new boiler (price best forgotten)
- A lot of lambs lettuce
- Postcards in Poland
From May to July 2016:
- A vintage 3-tier cake stand
- 2 lbs of potatoes called Charlotte, from Egypt
- A pack of 100 disposable Latex gloves
- A grey marl cabin case
- A bottle of Verbena and Lavender cologne
- A canister of ant-killer powder
- A ticket to see Cymbeline at Stratford
- 24 afternoon tea fairy cakes (half price)
- A step safety ladder (special offer)
- A pair of knickers called Orange Squash
Four things bought in April 2016:
- A summer scarf with a pattern of elephants
- A tube of organic snail-gel eye serum
- A mauve magnolia tree
- A ticket to Sutton Coldfield
